The reason I have such strong feelings about bullying and how people are treated for being gay is because of my childhood experiences. Someone called my house one day & said they were my friend & we were gay lovers. You have to understand how young I was. I wasn't even double digits. I didn't know what gay was. I thought kissing was nasty. Girls had cooties. I didn't like for anyone to touch me even slightly male, female or otherwise. Relationships were the last thing on me mind. I had to have the meaning of gay explained to me and then afterword I was left baffled. Why is someone who isn't interested in relationships even being considered in the gay vs straight scene. I'm a kid that is just trying to get grades & go home. I went through hell with my family. I swore up & down I wasn't gay & wasn't interested in relationships with anyone, but the fact that I didn't have a gf was proof to them in their eyes. after a week finally heard the message & it wasn't even him. Still got treated like crap for some time after. And to be real about it. I took any & every friend I could get growing up no matter how "weird" they were. Didn't matter to me that they were an outcast or that no one liked them, because everybody hated me. I had no friends. I got picked on literally every single day. Sometimes I even got death threats. Lots of kids wanted to fight me & I had no idea why. I didn't bother people. I kept to myself & kept my mouth shut. I "sounded like a girl" so they called me gay & made fun of my voice. I still don't have a deep "manly" voice. I was born with this voice. nothing I can do about it. I think the worse was when a teacher used to call me whispers. I had tears in my eyes every time I came in his class. I couldn't take it. I hated that teacher so much & honestly wanted to kill him when I was little...literally. I feel different now, but it hurt that much. I was made fun of cause my birthmark. constantly called scarface amongst other things... I went through this all through elementary & middle school until I got to high school & started hanging out with gangs & carrying weapons. I had that idgaf attitude & was down to bust somebody's head open or worse with no hesitation. I know you commonly hear that I want love thing. I did want it, but honestly I bust heads for 2 reasons. The first was if I kept busting heads then nobody would pick on me. The second was cause I felt like it was revenge for all the people picking on me & other people. It made me very aggressive & defensive. Now as an adult I have trouble approaching people & holding conversations. At times I feel uncomfortable talking to people I am friends with. I don't really call people. Sometimes I have panic attacks when around too many people. I always feel like people are going to attack me even when they mean me no harm. It has held me back all my life. It is also why I fight so hard & can be the real me. It is why I don't sweat loosing friends. I will overcome it one day and when that day comes I will be great beyond imagination. It really is hard to get over it, but I have to or else I will never succeed at my dreams.
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