I feel like i'm going through some changes that I honestly can't tell if they are good or bad. To explain what made me really think about this I want to start with a recent event. One of my friends called me a "female magnet." I mentioned what she said to another female friend and I didn't agree with it. The friend I mentioned it to is around me a lot and she said, "well...you don't really see what people around you see...but you know how there are those females that get all the guys..." I don't think i'm on that level and it was more of an exaggeration, but I do notice I have a lot of women around me. My friends call me naive or say i'm blind to when women are attracted to me. I tried dating someone recently, but told her we couldn't take things further, because I didn't have feelings for her emotionally. I dated her because I liked her personality. I feel like i've been lying to myself for years. I've never been afraid of talking to women...if I was I wouldn't have so many around me. I lied to myself, because I didn't want to be an alien anymore. I never fit in, was always the outcast, etc. Everyone says it is a good thing, yet the way they act with me tells me a different story. I feel like an outcast even when i'm hanging out with the outcasts. The women i've gone after in the past I did so, because I had this romantic fantasy in my head. It was never real. I've never wanted to pursue a woman, because I haven't met anyone who strikes my interest. I don't know how to put it in a way people can understand, but I "feel" things and these feelings have never been wrong. My perception, intuition and empathetic abilities are extremely high. I've just never found what i've been searching for. I feel like my whole life has just been inside this world I created inside my head, because of all the pain I felt from the outside world growing up and now i'm waking up from a dream and feel like an untamable beast trapped inside a cage. I want to be free, but I can't gain freedom until I destroy the world created by the personality I created to keep peace with others while I lived inside my fantasy world. I know it sounds crazy, but the person i've been isn't the real me. I've been basically unconscious all these years. That's the best way I can put it into words.
